Autistic couple in Az subject of film

Autistic couple in Az subject of film




Article from Arizona Daily Sun



By BETSEY BRUNER.

Jerry Newport and Mary Meinel just published Mozart and the Whale: an Asperger's Love Story, a memoir of their life together. They both have Asperger's syndrome, a form of autism.

FLAGSTAFF - Jerry Newport and Mary Meinel joined their two families of birds when they married on Jerry's birthday in 1994.

"The birds got along very well," Jerry said. "They all have double-digit ages."

Besides their 13 birds - five cockatiels, six parakeets, one dove and a cockatoo - the two share a condition, Asperger's syndrome, a form of autism that affects millions of Americans.

Asperger's and other forms of autism are complex developmental disabilities that make social interaction and communication difficult. Maintaining personal relationships can also be daunting, and isolation often sets in.

After their first marriage, a separation in 1997, a divorce in 1999 and a remarriage on Valentine's Day 2002, the couple is still together, refusing to give up in the face of many challenges.

"Mary wasn't sure what kind of future we had, but she was sure we were better off together in some way than we were separate, and she's right," Jerry said.

Today, the Newports live in Flagstaff and have added Wolfie to the family unit, a fluffy-white poodle mix they got at a local animal shelter.

Their story was the inspiration for the 2005 movie, Mozart and the Whale.
Starring Josh Hartnett as Donald (Jerry) and Radha Mitchell as Isabelle (Mary), the movie had a short run in Spokane, Wash., where it was filmed, and was released in DVD at the end of 2006.

"Donald is a very good interpretation of me when I was a young person," said Jerry, who grew up in Long Island. "I was a young person who was obsessed with fitting into society and never quite could."

The movie's title comes from the costumes they wore to celebrate Halloween - Willy the Whale for Jerry, and Mozart's sister, Maria Anna Mozart, for Mary.

Reversing the usual cycle of movie based on book, the Newports have just published a memoir, Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger's Love Story.

The book was co-written by People magazine writer Johnny Dodd and is moving up fast in book rankings based on sales, Jerry said.

People with Asperger's syndrome can be high functioning if a bit eccentric.

"A lot of people would say to us, 'You're just a little off,' " said Jerry, 58, who started an autism support group in Long Beach, Calif., where the couple met in 1993.

Asperger's syndrome was named in honor of Hans Asperger (1906-1980), an Austrian psychiatrist and pediatrician, who described his young patients as "little professors."

The Newports are savants who can perform remarkable feats in specialized intellectual areas, Jerry at math and Mary at music.

With unique personalities, the Newports have become celebrities in the world of autism, featured twice on 60 Minutes.

Because they often have a foot in two worlds, the conventional and the autistic, people with Asperger's are of special interest to people studying autism.

"It's a different culture," said Susan Marks, a special education professor at Northern Arizona University. "Adults with Asperger's are able to provide us a window as to what a child who has autism is experiencing, but is unable to speak. They can tell us what the sensory experience is."

With a degree in math from the University of Michigan, Jerry is a whiz at the subject.

During an interview, he took less than a minute to calculate he was 21,333 days old.

"I started off as a 7-year-old, discovered for being able to do things like square roots in my head, with as many decimals as people wanted," he said.

Because of their difficulties communicating socially, people with Asperger's may not be able to earn a living in their areas of interest.

Jerry works part time for Friendly Cab in town, where he said he is treated well and is becoming a good driver.

Mary, 52, who was born in Tucson, worked in Hollywood as an actress and doesn't consider her form of autism a disability.

"I always considered it a plus," Mary said. "That's where the savant comes from."

Inspired by Russian composers, she bought a synthesizer to compose Neoclassical music.
Another passion is sewing. Mary said she wants to fashion an updated version of her Mozart costume from some new red brocade fabric.

"I'm just bound and determined to cash in on life, to live it to the fullest," she said. "You should have a lot of dreams and see how many of them you can fulfill. You should do what you'd rather be doing."

Copyright © 2010 TucsonCitizen.com

The original source for this article can be found here:

http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/daily/local/39363.php

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This is another article that I have found about Jerry and Mary Newport.

I have posted other articles about the couple previously which can be read here:

http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2009/11/star-trek-spot-aspie.html

http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2009/11/when-jerry-met-mary.html

http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2009/11/mozart-and-whale-interview-with-jerry.html

http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2009/10/against-odds-love-story.html

Additionally, content about the movie 'Mozart and the Whale' which is based on their lives can be found here:

http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2009/11/mozart-and-whale-movie-trailer.html

http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2009/11/mozart-and-whale-movie-stills.html

http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2009/11/mozart-and-whale-movie-poster.html

Robert Mann BA (Hons)

Love can prevail

Love can prevail

Asperger Syndrome need not nix romantic opportunities

Article from Longmont Times-Call - November 17, 2009

By PAM MELLSKOG

Eugenia Brady and her boyfriend Miles have been together for about two years since they met at a social event for people who are affected with autism. Eugenia was attending a meeting for parents with children of Autism and Miles was participating in a monthly function for adults with Aspergers.

LAFAYETTE — Every now and then, as they make dinner together in her small kitchen, Eugenia Brady will stop chopping vegetables and interrupt their conversation to kiss her boyfriend passionately.

“But when I come up for air, I just want to finish my story,” said Miles, a man diagnosed as a child with Asperger Syndrome, who preferred not to share his last name.

Though the highest-functioning members of all those diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder,

people will Asperger Syndrome still often miss opportunities to enjoy healthy dating and marriage relationships given the way the disorder hobbles communication.

“If someone is angry, I know what it means if they give me the bird or shake their fist. And I know if someone is happy and cheering, like at a Broncos game. It’s the subtle communication in a marriage that I struggled to see. … Relating to someone romantically is like dealing with another culture,” said Xenia Grant, 44, an AS-diagnosed widow and Autism Society of Colorado support group organizer in Denver.

Brady and Miles attribute some of their more maddening moments of misunderstanding and conflict to as much.

“Other times, it’s just a guy thing, a Mars/Venus thing,” Miles said, referring to the popular book by John Grey, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

However, psychologist and marriage counselor Kathy J. Marshack recently tailored a book to address communication issues in this subculture titled, “Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going over the Edge? Practical Steps to Saving You and Your Relationship” (Austism Asperger Publishing Company 2009).

“Most adults with Asperger Syndrome are undiagnosed. So, someone’s smart, financially successful husband could have AS … and can pass for normal, except at home,” the Vancouver, Wash., resident said.

To cope, the affected partner tends to isolate or dominate in the relationship, which worsens the situation, she said.

Others living with the syndrome never get a chance at romance because they miss the cues that

lead to a deeper relationship.

“I should have worn a button that said, ‘I’m hard of hearing and nearsighted. Please flirt aggressively,’” Miles, 47, said.

Still, he and Brady clicked after meeting in December 2007 at an Autism Society of Colorado potluck. Brady, also 47, attended the event after participating in a class to learn more about the then-recent AS diagnosis of her third child, Benjamin, now 6.

She needed to make the first move, though — something she did in April 2008 by inviting Miles to dinner.

Brady worried about all sorts of things before he arrived. Would the flickering of the fluorescent lights in her kitchen or the high-pitched sounds from the TV agitate him?

“And I needed to remember to ask him for a hug when he left instead of just giving him a hug,” she said, referring to the touch sensitivity some people with AS report.

Since then, the couple has learned ways to work around that issue and others.

For instance, the Costa Rican native often smiles and touches people when she talks.

“That is how I speak, too,” she said.

But Miles initially complained that tickled him.

“The thing is, sometimes it tickles and sometimes it doesn’t,” he said.

Now, when Miles shies from her conversational taps, she sometimes tickles him in earnest. And part of her playful response to his diagnosis-related hang-ups has healed him, Miles said.

Now, often he takes her hand to show her he is focused on listening — even though staying focused enough to listen well challenges the couple, too.

At his tech support job with a local wireless company, Miles listens all day to callers explaining glitches in service. He manages handily to analyze the problem and solve it.

Part of his expertise lies in his extraordinary attention to detail. At a previous job fulfilling orders for printer driver software, he memorized part prices along with the tax and shipping rates to almost every state.

Still, conversation with a sweetheart takes different turns than conversation with a customer.

Brady notices that Miles may say four unrelated things without batting an eye.

“(His conversation) can be disconnected. But now I know to tell him, ‘Miles, I don’t get the connection. You have to explain it to me,’” she said.

Other times, instead of feeling hurt by his silence when she tells him about a tough day, she prods him to respond.

“I just think differently,” Miles said. “I remember reading Dr. Seuss’ ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ story with my sister when I was a kid. She said, ‘Do you know what this means?’ And I said, ‘Yeah, even if food doesn’t look right, you should eat it.’ She has never thought about that story like that.”

But for Brady, this aspect makes working through their communication issues worth it.

“Our differences can be the color of our hair, our eyes, our skin or the way our brain is wired and the way we process information and respond to situations,” she said.

Brady appreciates his fresh takes and, to avoid the unhealthy dominating dynamic highlighted by author Marshack, she gives Miles lots of room to guide her in practical matters as much as she guides him through abstractions.

This fall, for instance, he taught her with plenty of patience how to drive a manual transmission vehicle.

The give-and-take aspect of their relationship along with their shared sense of humor helps them see progress in each other — even when it needs to be spelled out.

“I love that wink she gives me,” Miles said. “I now know it means that she finds me attractive.”

The original source for this article can be found here:

http://www.timescall.com/health-story.asp?ID=19333

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Here is another true love story involving a man with Asperger's Syndrome, the big difference to other stories I have posted recently being that in this case the woman does not have the condition as well.

Stories like this show that individuals with Asperger's can indeed find love and that it doesn't necessarily have to be with someone who has the condition (although in some cases it obviously does play a part). This is certainly a story that can provide hope to men with Asperger's Syndrome as, given the small percentage of girls with the condition, there are far more males than females with it and, besides, a girl having Asperger's Syndrome alone isn't enough to base a relationship on.

What we need is simply someone who can accept us as we are. If we can meet someone who can truly understand our difficulties, perhaps through personal experience, i.e. someone who has the condition themself, then great, but ultimately we just need someone who will accept us and love us as we are and stories like this one show that this is most definitely possible, even with a neurotypical partner (after all, you can't define a person with Asperger's by a label, so the same should definitely apply for Neurotypical individuals as well).

Robert Mann BA (Hons)

Vancouver couple show autism, romance can coexist

Vancouver couple show autism, romance can coexist

Article from The Seattle Times - February 24, 2008

By ERIN MIDDLEWOOD, The Columbian


Emilia Murry Ramey and Jody John Ramey have co-written a book entitled Autistics' Guide to Dating. In the book, the married couple reflect on their personal experiences and give advice on relationships.

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Emilia Murry Ramey and Jody John Ramey met through a mutual friend. They soon discovered they had more in common than their friend. Both were students at Portland State University. And both have autism.

The Vancouver couple are among the estimated 1.5 million Americans living with the effects of some degree of autism.

Specifically, Emilia and Jody both have Asperger syndrome, marked by social awkwardness and a lack of understanding of conventional social rules.

As if dating weren't hard enough.

"I hadn't had any dating experience before meeting her," said Jody, 35.

"I used to say I had more jobs than dates," joked Emilia, 33.

Not only did Jody and Emilia figure out dating, they laid out tips for others in a book, Autistics' Guide to Dating: A Book by Autistics, for Autistics and Those Who Love Them or Who Are in Love with Them.

The book is available for $19.95 on the London-based Jessica Kingsley Publishers Web site jkp.com.

"A lot of literature on autistics comes from the medical community that shows autistics as broken and in need of fixing," Jody said. "We don't talk about autism as a deficit at all. We talk about how to sell the positive traits of autism in a romance."

The couple, who married in 2006, didn't set out to write a book. Soon after they started dating, Jody, who has made presentations at autism conferences around the world, suggested they make a proposal to the Autscape conference in London for a session on dating.

"Since we'd only been dating for two weeks, she thought I was nuts," Jody said. But Emilia was willing.

The couple's presentation was a success, and they went on to offer similar sessions.

"We decided the book was the next step," Jody said. "A large percentage of our book is just good, solid relationship principles."

The book stresses communication.

"People on the autism spectrum aren't good at reading subtle social cues," Emilia said. So couples have to specifically voice their feelings and concerns. Even then, she said, things can get tricky.

Emilia said she learned that if something Jody said offended her, she should ask what he meant before getting upset.

The book also addresses touch, which makes many autistics uncomfortable.

"I'm a bit touch-defensive," Jody said. "It isn't that I don't like to be touched. It's that there are specific ways I like to be touched. The book helps couples find those ways no matter what their verbal ability."

Autistic people often have very narrow interests, which can be a barrier to connecting with others. The book helps them navigate beyond a laser-point focus.

"If you love Star Trek, go to a Star Trek convention," Jody said. "Don't talk about Star Trek at your grandmother's funeral."

The book also seeks to help autistics overcome stereotypes.

"One of the problems that holds people back is a negative view of autistics," Emilia said. "People think of Rain Man or someone banging their head against the wall.

Autistics can have successful relationships."

Copyright © 2008 The Seattle Times Company

The original source for this article can be found here:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2004197834_autisticcouple24.html

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Here is another true story that shows that people with Autism or Aspergers Syndrome can be successful in love.

Just like with Lindsey Nebeker and Dave Hamrick, Emilia and Jody Ramey are passing on things that they have learnt in their relationship onto others and some of the things they have to say are very useful for anyone Autie or Aspie inviduals who are looking for love.

I for one will certainly take the advice that they have given if and when I meet someone I like and enter the world of dating. And I think others should too.

Robert Mann BA (Hons)

Love Conquers All for One Autistic Couple

Couple Lives With Autism, Comfort of Each Other

Love Bloomed After Socializing Was Learned

Article from ABC Good Morning America - February 25, 2009

By THEA TRACHTENBERG and LINDSAY GOLDWERT

David Hamrick, 29, and Lindsey Nebeker, 27, look like a typical couple in love, but what's not apparent is how hard they've worked to be together.

Hamrick and Nebeker live together in a Jackson, Miss., apartment, yet they have separate bedrooms, eat meals apart and spend most of their time focused on their own interests.

This unusual setup is how Hamrick and Nebeker, who are both autistic, make their relationship work.

About 1.5 million people in the United States have autism, with varying degrees of severity. Many people with autism struggle with the most basic social interactions, so finding love may seem like an impossibility.

Hamrick and Nebeker are high-functioning but, since childhood, both have found it difficult to make friends and even harder to keep them.

"All of her socialization had to be learned, usually by hard experience," said Nebeker's father, Gordon Nebeker.

Autistic people can also be hypersensitive to touch and sound. Hamrick can't stand when the room is too warm and cringes at certain sounds; Nebeker can't take florescent lights; and both are profoundly uncomfortable with small talk, said Lynn Harris, who profiled the couple for Glamour magazine.

Learning to Interact with Autism

Despite their difficulties, they both kept trying to reach out and connect with others. Nebeker learned to make friends by reading Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Hamrick had tried to untangle the rules of dating by reading self-help books.

"No one teaches you to flirt," said Diane Twactman-Cullen, editor in chief of Autism Spectrum Quarterly. "Individuals with autism would really be at a loss. So there might be some missed signals."

When Hamrick and Nebeker met in 2005 at an autism conference, Hamrick was smitten.
"I pretty much liked everything about her," he said. "She was very sweet, easy to talk to, and a good listener."

But Nebeker was unsure.

"In my early 20s, I had decided I was no longer going to seek a relationship," she said. "I was mainly going to focus on my career and my friends that I had been able to make and keep."

They became friends. Then one day when they were at a café, Hamrick knew he was making progress when he put his hand on hers.

"My heart was racing," Hamrick said. "I was fearful it might not work out the way I had anticipated, but the fact that she didn't pull back and she was able to hold my hand there for at least five minutes, I was very touched by that."

Living Together With Separate Needs

After two years of dating, they took the huge step of moving in together, despite their unique and separate needs.

Nebeker admits that it seems highly unusual for a typical couple to agree to separate bedrooms.

"We both understood the importance of an individual with autism needing their own space," she said.

When they are in their apartment, they are rarely together. Hamrick, a meteorologist, is often in his room on the computer or absorbed in the Weather Channel while Nebeker, a musician, can get lost for hours playing the piano and working on her music.

A romantic dinner for two presents major challenges.

"There are a number of sounds that are unpleasant to me," Hamrick explained. "Such as chewing sounds and crunching sounds."

And Nebeker has many complicated eating rituals. Her napkin has to be placed just so and her meals prepared in just the right way.

"Sometimes Dave will spontaneously ask, 'Hey, you want to go out for dinner tonight?' And I break into sobs and I say, 'I am so sorry, I just can't. I just can't,'" Nebeker said.

The couple's parents have seen their children struggle with their disorder and are in awe of the way the two care for each other and express their love and devotion.

"Being high functioning is almost more difficult than being low functioning," said Gordon Nebeker.
"You are so close to there, and yet not quite -- and that is heartbreaking."

But for all the compromises, the couple's love story is actually a pretty traditional one, one of deep understanding and acceptance.

"When I have had a bad day at work or just a bad day for some other reason -- and I come home, I don't even have to say anything, he senses it. Dave will come up to me and start cuddling up to me and that's really all I need," Nebeker said. "I know that I am with a partner who is not going to judge me for certain eccentricities I have."

Copyright © 2009 ABC News Internet Ventures

The original article can be found here:
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/story?id=6952013&page=1

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This is a follow-up to my recent posts. Other articles I have posted about Lindsey Nebeker and Dave Hamrick can be found here:
http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2010/02/video-learning-to-love.html
http://thewonderfulworldofautism.blogspot.com/2010/02/theyre-autisticand-theyre-in-love.html

This article is an accompaniment to the video I posted previously - see the above link.

Robert Mann BA (Hons)

Video: 'Learning to Love'

The original source for this video can be found here:

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=6955074

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Following up my previous post about Lindsey Nebeker and Dave Hamrick, here is a lovely news piece that was done about them on ABC News shortly after the story was published in Glamour magazine.

Enjoy.

Robert Mann BA (Hons)

They’re Autistic—and They’re in Love

They’re Autistic—and They’re in Love

Article from Glamour - February 2, 2009

By LYNN HARRIS

There are two bedrooms in the cozy Jackson, Mississippi, apartment: Dave Hamrick’s is like a dad’s den, with a striped beige armchair and a hanging map; Lindsey Nebeker’s is darkly girly, with spiky dried roses hung over a bed topped by a graphic leaf-print quilt. After work on any given evening, Dave and Lindsey are likely to be orbiting the home separately, doing their own thing. Dave may be flipping through magazines, pausing to stare fixedly at design details or leaning in to inhale the scent of the pages. Lindsey typically sits down to eat alone—from a particular plate with a particular napkin placed just so—and may slip so deeply into her own world that Dave has learned to whisper “Psst…” when he approaches so as to not startle her and, on a bad night, make her scream.

An observer might assume the two are amicable, if oddball, roommates. But Lindsey, 27, and Dave, 29, are deeply in love. And they are autistic. Every day of their relationship, these two beat tremendous odds. That’s because the very definition of autism suggests that for adults with this disorder, love—especially the lasting, live-in kind like Lindsey and Dave’s—is not in the cards at all.

About 1.5 million people in the United States (an estimated one fifth of them are female) have autism, with varying degrees of severity. The disorder can create sensory issues, like hypersensitivity to touch and sound, and impair social skills. While some autistics are gifted (often in music or math), they may be utterly baffled by the nuances of small talk and eye contact. Expressing empathy can be virtually impossible. Imagine a first date—never a breeze for any of us—with those limitations.

“I hear a lot of loneliness, sadness and fear among the autistic adults I meet,” says Stephen Shore, author of Beyond the Wall and an internationally recognized expert on autism who has the disorder himself. “Without a natural understanding of communication, it’s much more difficult for people with autism to find and sustain an intimate relationship.” They have hearts that feel; it’s the funky wiring in their brains that makes things so challenging.

Contrary to stereotype—the Rain Man-esque loner who’d rather count toothpicks than make friends—adult autistics often know what they’re missing out on and hope to find love, like anyone else. Since hanging in a crowded bar or going on a blind date can be terrifying, many connect through social-networking websites. Still, successful relationships aren’t very common, especially relationships in which both partners have autism.

Lindsey and Dave have experienced their fair share of heartache: at school, among so-called friends, in their search for partners. Yet both have also summoned the courage to take a risk, perhaps the biggest risk of their lives, for each other. Theirs is a still-unfolding tale—an unconventional story about unconditional love.

Autism has been making headlines lately, especially now that more and more children are being diagnosed with it. Celeb mom Jenny McCarthy, for one, speaks and writes about her son’s autism. The head writer for Days of Our Lives developed a story line about an autistic child based on her parental experience. Last fall, autism-awareness advocates raised hell over the “Autism Shmautism” chapter in comic Denis Leary’s latest book. Observations included “Yer kid is not autistic. He’s just stupid. Or lazy. Or both.”

The attention, good and bad, has made it somewhat easier for adult autistics to find acceptance in the world. Former America’s Next Top Model contestant Heather Kuzmich—who has Asperger’s syndrome (considered an autism spectrum disorder) and who had trouble making eye contact in TV interviews—has become a role model. Claire Danes is starring in a forthcoming HBO biopic about best-selling autistic author Temple Grandin. Also helpful are sites like wrongplanet.net, geared toward autistic adults, where users can find answers to questions such as “How do I learn to flirt?”

Lindsey, an auburn-haired beauty with an artistic, bejeweled style you might call peasant-goth, has been more fortunate than others (including her severely autistic younger brother). When she was 19 months old and not talking, her parents tested her for autism, and she got the benefit of early treatment. Today, her occasional wandering gaze and the forced cheer in her voice make her seem just a bit off. It takes effort, she says, not to sound “robotic.”

Even as Lindsey’s speech caught up and her talent for playing piano emerged, she developed habits typical of autistics: staring for hours at the fibers of a carpet, for example, or performing soothing rituals like stepping on cracks in the sidewalk. Classmates teased her mercilessly, and she’d come home with kick me signs on her back. Real friendship seemed painfully out of reach for the eccentric, awkward girl who came across as blunt. In high school, when another student asked Lindsey what she thought of her new makeup, Lindsey recalls, “I told her it looked fake. She became silent, and I knew I had blown it.”

Depressed, Lindsey burned herself with a curling iron and cut her arms with safety pins, hiding her injuries with sweatshirts. “Lindsey’s struggles were heartbreaking,” says her mother, Anne Nebeker, 63, a retired teacher in Logan, Utah. “I was very anxious about how she would manage as an adult and whether she would have a social life at all or find love.”

Yet Lindsey’s torment fueled a determination to learn the very skills that eluded her. Her best resource: Dale Carnegie’s self-help classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. Advice as simple as “Be a good listener” began to help, especially by college. The subtleties of romance, however, remained a mystery. She’d fool around with a guy and get dumped a few days or weeks later without explanation. “I had no idea what I was doing that was scaring guys away,” says Lindsey. “I felt like I had failed somehow.” In her early twenties, she gave up. “I decided to focus on the friendships I’d managed to make,” she continues, “and quit worrying about love altogether.”

That’s when she met Dave. It was 2005, and they were at an autism conference in Nashville. Diagnosed at three, Dave grew up with pronounced fixations. He’d tote around empty Clorox bottles, and carry a thermometer to assess the air temperature. Like Lindsey, he had trouble making friends. Dave also has Tourette’s syndrome, which can overlap with autism; it’s the cause of his near-constant head jerks and occasional stuttering and grunting noises. His parents were told he would always be in special education, never able to work or live on his own. By fourth grade, he was in a mainstream class; he went on to college, where he majored in meteorology.

When he and Lindsey met, Dave says, “I was hopeful, but realistic.” They e-mailed and talked on the phone, then hung out again a few months later at a conference in Virginia. On their last night there, at a café, Dave took the plunge. Seeing Lindsey’s hands resting on the table, Dave reached for them. “When she didn’t pull away, I knew I had a positive result,” he says in his endearingly geeky, textbookish way. The next day, he gave her a bouquet. “I’d never gotten flowers from anyone, other than my dad after a piano recital,” says Lindsey. Looking Dave in the eye was hard for her. So, she says, “it was a relief to close my eyes and lean in to kiss him. I had my guard up, but some part of me was willing to give it a try.”

Two years later, Lindsey and Dave moved in together. It’s a big step for any couple, but for autistics, it can mean merging two rigid ways of life. Dave likes it cool; Lindsey likes it warm. Dave needs his mattress firm; Lindsey needs hers soft. These may sound like trifles, but what’s merely irritating to others may be, for an autistic, 20 fingernails on 20 blackboards. They’ve discussed every last detail, down to lightbulb preference.

When Dave awakes for work, Lindsey—a night owl—may still be up from the evening before. By noon, she’s improvised a few riffs on her beloved Steinway and is performing the 20-minute ritual of preparing her three thermoses of coffee (touch of flavored syrup, drop of almond milk, heat, adjust, repeat), which she will take with her to her job…at Starbucks.

Being a barista isn’t her Plan A. She dreams of studying photography or special ed in grad school. Dave has turned his fixation on temperature into a meteorology career (his e-mail name is “weatheringautism”). An entry-level forecaster at the National Weather Service, he finds his job exciting. It requires only limited face-to-face contact with strangers; on a typical day, he gives callers weather reports or heads out, alone, to release a weather balloon.

Both often come home exhausted, like actors who’ve been on stage all day. That’s one reason Lindsey and Dave need so much time alone after work, and why they rarely call each other to check in and chat. “Every day, we put out so much effort to speak properly in the workplace and other social settings,” says Lindsey. “When we talk on the telephone, our conversations normally don’t last long because we get uneasy when the small-talk script runs out.”

On weekends, they’re more likely to prowl a bookstore than go to a party or a restaurant. Their friends—mostly from college and conferences, some of whom are autistic—don’t live nearby. They also prefer to eat by themselves. Dave, as if he had superhero hearing, is sensitive to the sound of chewing. He can eat only cooked vegetables—never raw, crunchy ones. Lindsey finds it so torturous to deviate from her food rituals that Dave’s occasional invitation to dine out can send her into sobs. “I just keep telling him, ‘I’m so sorry, I can’t,’” she says. “I feel awful about it.”

Once in a while, with enough notice, Lindsey says yes and they’ll head to a bright and bustling pan-Asian buffet; it’s the opposite of romantic. Dave, lit up like a kid on Christmas Day, will happily put away several crabs’ worth of crab legs. Lindsey, wary of food she didn’t prepare herself, would rather prod stiffly at her wasabi than moon over Dave. But what other diners can’t see is something even more tender than canoodling: Lindsey and Dave’s willingness to step outside their comfort zones to please each other.

Adjusting to sex took time. Lindsey was somewhat nervous about the fact that she was a virgin and Dave was not. “Spontaneity was not an option,” she says. “People with autism really have to mentally prepare for everything.” She felt bogged down by the procedures she’d established in her head from seeing romantic movies like Pretty Woman—“OK, now I’m supposed to take off his shirt.” Three years into their relationship, though, they readily visit each other’s beds.

Marriage, they say, is a possibility; children, they’re less sure about. Both worry about a genetic predisposition to autism, a valid concern, especially given that both Lindsey and her brother have the disorder. Even if they adopt, parenting seems perilous. “Dealing with our rituals and sensory issues demands so much from us,” says Lindsey, “that I don’t know how we’d take care of someone else.”

Lindsey still gets depressed when people misunderstand her. “Sometimes, after a bad experience, I shut myself off from the rest of the world,” she says. “I don’t have to face judgment in my room.” Recently, as a man at work was talking, she tuned out but kept nodding and smiling (a frequent habit). Suddenly he blurted, “Did you hear what I said? I got mugged last night.” Lindsey was crushed. “It’s exhausting,” she says, “to be 27 and still have to work at getting interactions with people right.”

These are the times when she needs Dave most. “He reminds me that tomorrow is another day,” she says. “He makes me feel like I’m worth something.” Dave loves to stand behind her, wrap his arms around her waist, press his nose into her hair and take long, deep breaths. Last Valentine’s Day, he festooned their bathroom mirror with plastic gel hearts (he’s been obsessed with the shape since he was a kid). They’re still there today.

Though connecting with others will be a lifelong struggle, Lindsey and Dave have formed a bond that defies their autism. They may sometimes come across as blunt to strangers, but speaking their own minds clearly and directly—just as they did when they moved in together—has helped their relationship. There’s none of the “if you have to even ask what’s wrong, then forget it” passive-aggressiveness many couples experience, no expectation of mind reading. “People like Lindsey and Dave put so much thought and dedication into making their relationship work,” says Diane Twachtman-Cullen, Ph.D., a speech-language expert who specializes in autism and knows the couple well. “Frankly, we could all take a page from their playbook.”

Lindsey’s mom is similarly awed. Anne Nebeker recalls that when Lindsey and Dave came to visit her for the first time, “we went to a local lake. The two of them were running around and splashing water at each other, and I was so pleasantly surprised to see them doing a normal-couple thing like that. Even when Lindsey calls him ‘Hon’ and it sounds natural, not forced and rehearsed, I am amazed. I am so happy to see her in love.”

These days, when Dave whispers as he approaches Lindsey, she’ll whisper back; it’s become a term of endearment. “Psst…,” he’ll say after he walks in the door and sees Lindsey in the living room. Her face lights up when their eyes meet. “Psst!” she’ll respond, smiling. She knows that with Dave, she’s in a safe place. “I’m so lucky to have found him,” she says. “When I’m with him, I forget about my challenges.”

The original article can be found here:
http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/02/theyre-autistic-and-theyre-in-love

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As with the story of Jerry and Mary Newport, I find myself unable to fully relate to the experiences of Lindsey Nebeker and Dave Hamrick, one because the condition I have - Aspergers Syndrome - is somewhat milder than full on Autism, and two because I yet to even date a girl let alone have a relationship. Although, thinking about it, the latter does sort of allow me to relate as just like they became frustrated in their search for love and even began to think that they might never meet anyone, I too often feel much the same way, having been looking for someone for a while with absolutely no success. This ability to relate to that aspect of Lindsey and Dave's lives actually makes their story all the more inspiring because if they can find love why can't I?

There is much more to Lindsey and Dave's story than just two people with Autism finding love though, as not only have they found it, they have also found a way to maintain it. Their tends to be certain conventions about relationships and how they should be conducted - couples should sleep in the same bed in the same room for instance - and these things are generally conducted almost to the letter by neurotypical couples. The pressure to conform to such rules is probably a key reason why relationships between individuals with Autism can often struggle, perhaps even fail, but Lindsey and Dave have taken the route of not conforming to such rules, making their relationship work for them.

They certainly seem to have found a way to make a relationship work around their personal situation and I can't help but feel that if I ever do find myself in a relationship I may be able to take a few pointers from Lindsey and Dave. The idea of sharing a bed for example - now, this isn't to sound selfish or anything but when I am sleeping I need my personal space, it is just something I probably wouldn't be able to change. So, the concept of having a separate bed, a separate room in fact, to my partner would actually be quite desirable. Particularly if I found myself with a partner who is also Autistic, each having our own space could be very beneficial to the relationship as a whole. This is also true of my personal hobbies and interests - while I would love to meet someone who shares the exact same passions as me, the chances of that happening aren't wholly promising given my eclectic range of interests, and for a relatoonship to really work I would need my own space. I'm not saying that I wouldn't make some sacrifices to make a relationship work but there are some things I could never change about myself and someone who truly loved me wouldn't expect me to just as I wouldn't expect someone I truly loved to give up everything for me. Lindsey and Dave have shown the way for people with Autism, Aspergers or other ASDs to enjoy a healthy, loving relationship free of the pressures that neurotypical ideas about relationships place on people like us. This is something truly inspiring.

The way that Lindsey and Dave manage to come out of their comfort zones for each other is also inspiring, showing that they truly are in love and are prepared to make sacrifices for one another. I just hope that if and when I meet the right girl that I am able to show my love in the same way that Dave shows for Lindsey and vice versa. Theirs is a truly sweet and romantic story, one that puts any of the tired and predictable nonsense from Hollywood movies to shame and the fact that it is 100% real, not fiction, only makes the story all the inspirational.

Lindsey and Dave have achieved something that many people with Autism Spectrum Disorders, me included, aspire to but many are unable to achieve - they have formed a connection with someone they truly love and are actually keeping the relationship alive. Anyone on the Autism Spectrum cannot fail to be inspired by this. Lindsey and Dave have shown us that love, even the lasting kind, is possible for people like us. Their story is only only a delightful one but that should give hope to lonely people with Autism all over the world.

Robert Mann BA (Hons)

'Adam' DVD Cover Art

Here is the cover art for the region 2 release of Adam on DVD on Monday 15th February.

Robert Mann BA (Hons)